Okay, probably not.  Because that’s not something I do.  It’s not something that interests me.  I’ve got a pretty light touch when it comes to killing characters.  I’ll admit that.  I’ll usually kill or destroy or otherwise get rid of the bad guy, but it’s not my thing to introduce a colorful supporting cast and then pick them off to establish the credibility of the threat they face.  It’s probably yet another thing that keeps me from being taken as seriously as I’d sometimes like.  Nothing like a little blood on the page to remind everyone that you’re not screwing around.

I think this is probably because of my love of comic books.  Comic book superheroes are some of my earliest influences.  But I have a bad habit of liking the strange and obscure characters.  The very same characters that tend to die whenever a writer needs extra drama.  It puts me in a strange position.  If you’re favorite hero is Batman, Superman, or Spider-Man, you can rest assured that they aren’t going anywhere.  They might die for a gimmick, but no one with any sense believes they’ll stay dead.  Same with all the popular villains.  But if you, like me, enjoy Quasar, Diamond Lil, or Arnold Wesker, you are stuck walking a very difficult line.

Quasar, for example, is a character who was never popular but nonetheless had his own comic book series that lasted 60 issues before fading into complete obscurity.  I had the whole series and really loved it.  It also had the unfortunate side effect of making me a fan of several other even more obscure characters in his supporting cast.  Seriously, does anyone else out there like Makkari the Eternal?  If so, love to hear from you.

But then Quasar disappeared into comic book obscurity.  He did eventually reappear.  Only to be killed by an evil alien.

Story of my life, a comic book fan of the little guy, the obscure, the forgotten.

I think Quasar is back because death is rarely permanent in comic books if someone likes you, so clearly someone out there has a soft spot for Quasar.  Good luck, buddy.  I’m rooting for you.

Danger is often an important aspect of adventure fiction, but it shouldn’t be the only aspect.  Or even the most important one.  The conflict from adventure fiction should rarely be about the protagonists’ continued survival, but on their ability to achieve their goals.  Danger is only one of the obstacles that can get in their way, and it is, more often than not, an artificial one.

I call it The Invulnerable Protagonist Rule.  The rule says that if making your hero explicitly invulnerable to physical harm removes all the tension from your story, then you’re doing something wrong.

Almost all adventure protagonists are invulnerable.  Not explicitly.  But they’re invulnerable just the same.  Batman is not going to get shot and die, no matter how many times he leaps from the shadows into a mob of thugs.  Indiana Jones is not going to be killed, execution style, by the Nazis.  And no matter how many times James Bond is facing incredible odds, he won’t die.  This is necessary for most adventure fiction.  Without it, most protagonists would probably perish in very short order.

We might thrill to the adventures of action heroes, but for the most part, we know they are in no real danger because who wants to watch an superhero movie where the heroes spend all their time in traction?  Or watch Conan the barbarian get eaten by a giant spider?

The tension in adventure is found in whether our heroes can triumph.  Can Superman save Earth from an alien invasion?  Will Indiana Jones keep the Nazis from finding that magic superweapon?  Can James Bond keep Goldfinger from nuking Fort Knox?  Being invulnerable helps an action hero, but they usually have to work at it still.  Just because no one is going to shoot Batman in the back, it doesn’t mean he automatically wins.

I’m often surprised that this source of tension is lost among both writers and readers.  It’s one of the arguments most often used for why someone prefers Batman to Superman, for instance.  As if a Batman story is going to end with Bats getting mortally wounded.  The only difference between Batman and Superman is that Batman conveniently jumps out of the way of bullets while Superman doesn’t usually have to.  At the end of the day, they are both functionally invulnerable as their stories demand.

Yet there seems to be no greater joys for most writers than to get to write the story where ANYONE CAN DIE!  And the audience tends to dig it too.  And that’s their choice.

But I always get a little angry with it.  I don’t like stories where a character I’ve invested in is killed.  I don’t like them even as imaginary stories, as alternate universe adventures.  I find it annoying, manipulative.  Sometimes, it even seems a little abusive of the artist / audience relationship to trick the audience into caring for a character only to kill them off to supply drama.

I’m not suggesting that it shouldn’t be done.  I’m all for a diversity of stories, and if some stories make life cheap and the fans like it, well, good for them.   But in my fiction, if I’m going to invest in a character (or ask my readers to invest), I’m not going to yank the rug out from under their feet just because I can.  Frankly, I’ve lost too many important people in my life and in my fiction already.

This one goes out to you, Thunderstrike.

Fighting the good fight, Writing the good write,

Lee

It’s probably why I haven’t written sequels yet and why my books tend to be short.  I might have a long story in me, but I haven’t found it yet.  And the tendency of fantasy now is to write long novels with overarching plots means I don’t read much of it either.  I’m more of a too-the-point kind of guy, and that can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it.

There are exceptions, one or two long stories that I’ve enjoyed.  Justice League Unlimited: Season One is The Greatest Thing That Has Ever Been On Television.  Ever.  And a big part of that is the fact that it has an overarching plot executed masterfully.  The execution is what matters though.  The thing I love about JLU: S1 is that you don’t really know it’s an overarching story until near the middle of the season.  Until then, you mostly get to enjoy a few standalone episodes with a few recurring plot threads.  Even when the arc gets going, you still can enjoy nearly all of the episodes on their own.  Seeing how they connect adds a whole new level to the season, but even on an episode by episode basis, the show really fires on all cylinders.

I’ll admit that maybe this is some failing on my part.  Maybe I’m just not “mature” or “patient” enough to wait around for the payoff.  But, hey, I’m an important guy.  I have a lot of stuff to do.

Onto the business at hand.

So from what I’ve heard, The Losers has turned out to be a box office disappointment and Kick-Ass is underperforming as well.  It’s easy to make excuses or come up with reasons for why this is happening.  Personally, I think it has less to do with the quality of these films and more about the juggernaut of awesomeosity that is How to Train Your Dragon.  That’s why movie making is such a tough biz.  You can make the greatest movie in the universe, but if you don’t promote it properly or if some other movie grabs the buzz, you’re out of luck.  A movie has only a short time to really gather positive momentum, and if it’s weak out of the gate, for whatever reason, it’s going to have trouble.  Although I don’t think Kick-Ass had that problem.  Rather, it just couldn’t hold its momentum.

My own pet theory is that both Kick-Ass and The Losers suffered from media transition.  Things that were pretty cool in the comic book format don’t necessarily translate well to film.  In both cases, I think the differing attitudes and expectations of different audiences were a bit of an obstacle.  This is exactly what happened to Mystery Men.  Everyone I know who is a comic book fan enjoys the film immensely.  For everyone else, it tends to fall flat.  The jump to a wider audience is a difficult one.

That’s what’s tough about movies.  Movies are bigger by nature.  As a novelologist, I can make a living appealing to a very small portion of the population.  Books are cheaper to produce, easier to allow as a niche market, and can sit on a bookshelf longer than a movie can languish in a theater.  Books also tend to pick up momentum as the audience discovers them while movies tend to lose that energy as new competition appears.

But let’s get back to myoriginal two examples.  Keep in mind, these are just my thoughts.  There’s no proof or guarantee that any observation I make is correct.  Just some musings on my end.  That’s all.

First up: Kick-Ass.

I’ll admit that I’m not a fan of the original Kick-Ass comic.  It’s too dark, too ridiculous, too inconsistent for me.  But that’s just a matter of taste.  Still, even the movie version of Kick-Ass acknowledges that changes must be made because ideas and story beats that are very successful in a smaller comic book audience would have trouble reaching more mainstream moviegoers.  And while there are small films that don’t care about being number one at the box office, Kick-Ass isn’t one of these types of films.

But even with these changes, many of the ideas and themes of the film have trouble reaching a wider audience.  To really enjoy what Kick-Ass is trying to do (in either format) requires a knowledge of comic book tropes in general and superheroes in particular.  It’s true that many of the concepts of superheroes have become mainstream, but for the most part, your average non-comic reader still thinks Clark Kent wears glasses / Superman doesn’t is cutting edge superhero deconstruction.

Add to this that Kick-Ass, like all superhero movies, struggles not to look ridiculous in a live action format.  Sure, the film adopts a more realistic approach to costumes and powers, but it still doesn’t change the fact that in several scenes a young girl in a costume kills a room full of thugs without batting an eye.  And let’s not forget the Jetpack.  I didn’t read the original comic book long enough to know if this actually happens, but I do know that the jetpack’s arrival crosses the line to full on ridiculous.  Especially considering the pains the movie takes to keep realism in most other scenes.

Sure, most of the audience really won’t care about the jetpack.  Not in the short run.  But in the long run, its arrival transforms a story that is supposed to be about non-super superheroes into genuine superheroes.  In that way, it ends up weakening the film.  It makes the film into just another superhero flick with a few plot gimmicks and unconventional characters, but I don’t believe movie audiences are looking for these things in superhero films.  They want melodrama, broad characters, and larger-than-life action.  Kick-Ass‘s desire to be more intimate, more believable, yet also superheroic ends up defeating itself.  The audience doesn’t notice, but in the long run, people like convention.  And conventions, like it or not, exist for a reason.

It’s easier to flaut convention in a smaller medium, but when you’re making a big movie, there’s more at risk.  People might disparage Avatar for its by-the-numbers story and uncomplicated characterizations, but people watched Avatar. 

But what about The Losers?  Why would this movie stumble out of the block?

Probably because, outside of the comic book medium, The Losers is all but indistinguishable from any number of generic action movies.  This isn’t an insult.  I enjoy action movies, and this one isn’t a bad one.  Although it’s not a great one either.  Regardless, The Losers is a comic book emulating an action movie, which makes it intriguing in that medium, but the moment you make it into an action movie, you’ve taken away the one element that makes it unique.  There aren’t many action-espionage comic books (especially in comparison to superheroes and shudder zombies).  But action-espionage movies are still a common staple.

The transition from one medium to another is always difficult, more difficult in certain situations than others.  Not just in terms of artistic differences, but in terms of competition and demands.  Kick-Ass the comic did very well.  The movie did well, but had trouble competing with a variety of films.  In the comic book world, Kick-Ass wouldn’t be competing with How to Train Your Dragon because there would be little crossover in audience.  But people only go to so many movies, only have so much time, and that means that even a rude, crude, adult-oriented big budget film has to be able to compete against a kid’s movie.

As for The Losers, well, it’s just hard to stand out when you are, for better or worse, an action movie in a world full of action movies.  Much easier when you’re one of a handful of such comics on the shelf.

I guess I’ve rambled on long enough.  For the record, I don’t equate either of these films or their performance with criticisms of their quality.  Just a few thoughts on my mind, especially since I might one day have to endure this trial by medium sometime myself with a little luck.

But remember, above all, Lockjaw & The Pet Avengers is freakin’ awesome.

Fighting the good fight, Writing the good write,

Lee

Every time an animated movie like this comes out, I reflect on my own goals as a writer.  Because, when you get right down to it, this is the stuff that I love.  This is the stuff that I aspire to write.  I’ve admitted it before (and I’m sure I’ll admit it again in the future), but this is what I want to create with my own work.

While other writers might aspire to achieve the fame of Hemmingway, the skill of Steinbeck, the paycheck of Rowling, I want to write the next Kung Fu Panda.  In novel form, of course.

Perhaps the weirdest thing about my own pretentions is that I aspire to have fun.  But I don’t think fun is automatically mindless or that dull is automatically mature.  Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is an incredibly fun movie, full of life and joy, and it manages to be both absurd and touching at the same time.  Yes, I said it.  I cared about these characters and their personal struggles.  And, yes, these characters do indeed have a surprising amount of depth and personality.  Even the monkey.

So damn it, I am going to just accept this.  I am going to embrace it.  If this is the writer I am, then I see no shame in that.  Fun, thoughtful, absurd, fantastic adventure is my genre.  It’s who I am.

Your average comic book fan might go on and on about Watchmen or Killing Joke.  I’ll stick with Walt Simonson’s Mighty Thor and Red 5′s Atomic Robo.  Film scholars will discuss the subtleties of Chinatown and Schindler’s List, but I can pass half-an-hour easy explaining just how awesome The Incredibles and Monsters, Inc. are (although that should be obvious to anyone with a lick of sense).  And I’ll take the Godzilla saga over the Godfather saga anyday.

I’d feel awkward about it, but I’m making a pretty good living doing this.  So if these are my influences then they’ve done me good.  A humble novelelogist couldn’t ask for anything more.

Fighting the good fight, Writing the good write,

Lee

Here’s a list of things I’d like to throw out there to the powers-that-be in the comic book publishing world.  It’s a list of challenges.  Does anyone care what this humble novelologist has to say about the comic book world?  Probably not.  But it’s something I had on my mind and just thought I’d throw it out there.  Consider it a comic book fan’s manifesto.  Or should I say former fan?  Either way, let’s get to it.

BRING BACK SOME GOOD GUYS:

Perhaps the most troubling element of modern comic books is the near complete lack of good guys.  Remember the days when Wolverine and the Punisher were the edgy heroes.  Now they’re positively family-friendly.  Marvel, in particular, is guilty of this sin.  They’ve systematically replaced nearly every hero with a “dark” equivalent.  And, yes, dark is even the word they’re using.

This is truth in advertising.  Most of the heroes of the Marvel Universe are real assholes at this point.  Not just reckless or bloodthirsty, but downright vicious and cruel.  Witness the new Dark Ms. Marvel pluck a complete stranger from his bed, talk to him for a few minutes, and than casually toss him away to his death with no regard.  (Worse is how often this sort of thing is played for humor in the new Marvel U.)

Remember when heroes had noble ideals?  Remember when they fought for the common good?  Remember when “flawed” heroes didn’t necessarily mean “psychotic?”

Yeah, me neither.

I’m not suggesting getting rid of these dark characters, but if you could happen to give me someone to root for once in a while…well that’d be a nice change of pace. That’s all I’m saying.

ENOUGH WITH THE DEATH

In general, I think death is a cheap gimmick, a tool in a writer’s kit that should be used sparingly in order to keep it interesting.  Especially in ongoing universes.  Ideally, death should be used when it has the most impact, when it really counts for something.

And that’s a problem in the world of comic books because NOBODY stays dead.  I don’t care how noble the death, how trivial the character, EVERYBODY comes back to life eventually.  It’s just the way it is, and every comic book fan knows it.  Heck, at this stage every comic book character knows it.

So death in comic books means nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Barbara Gordon, the original Batgirl ,was shot in the spine.  She still can’t walk.  But if she’d been shot in the face, rushed to the hospital, and pronounced dead, she’d probably be up and around by now, back to fighting crime.  Yes, in the world of comics getting maimed is more permanent and disabling than dying.  And I can accept that.

Just don’t expect me to get worked up about it anymore.  When Marvel killed Captain America recently, nobody in the comic reading world really gave a crap.  And why should they?  They all knew he would come back, and probably sooner than later.  So as much as they love putting those covers with the blood splattered shield or the new “dark” Cap, nobody out here gives a damn.

The same thing goes for Batman, DC.  We all know Bruce Wayne isn’t dead.  So stop pretending like The Battle for the Cowl will have any long term consequences.

And speaking of consequences…

STOP PRETENDING THE STATUS QUO WILL CHANGE

We know it’s not.  We know that Peter Parker will always be Spider-Man and that Spider-Man will never be loved by the general public.  (Despite the fact that there’s no real reason for him to be a pariah in a world full of superhuman heroes)  We all know that if Superman loses his powers, he will get them back.  And no matter how many times the X-Men save the universe, they will always be “misunderstood”.

The writers should try to remember this too.  Perhaps it might stop them from writing stories that “change everything!”  Spider-Man’s mask comes off.  Whoop-dee-doo.  (Although it’s sadly pathetic to resort to having the Devil magic everything back to normal as the only way to fix the problem.)  So instead of trying to shock us with stories we all know will never stick, how about just thrill us with stories that are worth reading because they’re well written?  Just a suggestion.

Now to a few more specific suggestions:

SUPERMAN:

Listen, DC, we all know that Superman came from another world that blowed up real good.  That’s his backstory.  It’s simple.  It works.  It doesn’t need to be more than that.   Superman may have been born on Krypton, but he looks like a human, he’s lived 95 percent of his life as a human, and his morality is human.  So stop digging into Krypton as a way to “humanize” the man of steel.  Just let Krypton die.

Also, there’s absolutely no need to explore Superman’s early years anymore.  None.  It seems like every few years someone comes along and writes the “definitive” Superman origin.  But how often do we need to hear this?  More importantly, what’s new to be done with it?  Nothing, that’s what.

No more super-knockoffs.  Superman is special because he’s unique.  It’s not that he’s a powerhouse.  The DC universe is full of powerhouses.  What makes Superman fun (what makes ALL superheroes fun) is that they’re each their own distinctive gimmick.  This is why there’s not 10,000 Green Arrows running around, even though you would imagine there are probably lots of guys who can shoot a bow and arrow.  This is why Iron Man doesn’t just make 1,000 armored suits and create his own private army of superheroes.

So Supergirl?  Get rid of her.  Drop her in Kryptonite acid.  Have her eat some bad tuna.  I don’t know.  Figure it out.  She’s not a bad character.  She’s more of a bad idea, and she’s always been a bad idea.  ALWAYS.  Because Supergirl’s mere existence makes Superman seem commonplace.

Yeah, even Krypto the superdog needs to go.  And I hate saying that because I LOVE Krypto.

GREEN LANTERN

Get rid of all the multi-colored rainbow of Lanterns you’ve created.  I know this will never happen, of course.  But I can dream.   Because as cool as some people might think the idea is, I have to say it destroys any interesting aspect of the character for me.

We’ve always known that there was more than one Green Lantern in the universe.  That never bothered me.  But I always imagined the Lanterns as a Texas Rangers in Space! kind of thing.  Always outnumbered, always with their back to the wall, having incredible powers but having to deal with a lot of crap at the same time.

Instead, we’ve discovered the the Lanterns are more of an intergalactic police force with thousands of members.  And suddenly, the Conservation of Ninjitsu kicks in.  There’s only so much badass to go around, and with that many power rings floating around the universe, it gets spread pretty thin.  More often than not, when we meet a new Green Lantern, it’s just to watch them get their ass kicked.  So get rid of most of these guys.  (You don’t have to kill ‘em.  Just stop shoving in our face so much.)

With the addition of the Rainbow Coalition of Lanterns, the effect is even more pronounced.  At times, it seems like everyone is a Lantern.  Maybe they give the rings out in Cracker Jack boxes.  I dunno.  Don’t care.  Just get rid of ‘em.

Remember when Sinestro was the ultimate badass?  It was because there was ONE of him.  And the Green Lanterns knew that he was someone you didn’t want to screw with.  But now that there’s hundreds of Yellow Lanterns, Sinestro is just another face in the crowd, and that’s a real shame.

BATMAN

Don’t get me started.

BOOSTER GOLD

Ditch the “time guardian” angle.  It stinks, and here’s why it stinks.

Booster cannot change anything, and we know it.  His enemies cannot change anything, and we know it.  You can come up with all manner of techno-babble, time-travel nonsense to explain it, but bottom line: you aren’t going to retcon comic book history in a Booster Gold comic.  Ain’t gonna happen.

So everything in a Booster Gold “time guardian” story is a foregone conclusion.  Will Booster be able to save Barbara Gordon from the Joker?  No, of course not.  Will evil time travelers erase Superman from the timestream?  I’m just gonna take a wild guess and say no on this one too.

You’ve neutered both your hero and your villain in one fell swoop.  And that’s why it stinks.

SUPERGIRL

Did I mention you should kill Supergirl?  Because I just wanted to mention it again.

Conversely, you could try making the character more interesting with better stories, but let’s be honest…that isn’t going to happen.  So just kill her and put her and us out of our misery.

And lest you think Marvel escaped my wrath:

GRAVITY

Do something with this guy.  Something good.  Something fun.  He’s a good kid.  He deserves to find an audience.

SLAPSTICK

Nobody cares about Slapstick.  Nobody but me.  So if you could make a Slapstick comic book (even a mini-series) I promise to buy it.  Really, I do.

MARVEL ZOMBIES

Hey, remember that first mini-series?  That one that was surprisingly good even if it should’ve been a terrible idea.  That was great.  Better than it had any right to be.

The rest…not so much.

I know you’re making money off of this, so I don’t expect you to listen to me.  And I don’t even know if I’m right.  All I know is that this is an idea that burned itself out almost immediately, and while it might be fun to do zombie-themed parodies of all your classic covers, you don’t have to bother wrapping it around a bad comic.  Just make the covers and sell those.  People will buy ‘em, I’m sure.

SENTRY

Without a doubt, this is the worst character in the Marvel U.  He needs to go.

WOLVERINE

Remember that stuff I said about Superman and Green Lantern?  All that stuff applies here.  Wolverina started out as a joke in What the…?, the Marvel humor comic.  Now she’s a real character.  “Dark” Wolverine is Wolverine’s “dark” son!  There are simply too many characters running around with claws and healing factors, and the longer this goes on, the less we’re going to care.

NORMAN OSBORNE

He’s not Lex Luthor, no matter how much you try and convince us he is.  So every time he’s sitting in a pow wow with Loki or Dr. Doom, you should just have one of them disintegrate him and be done with it.

STOP BEING THE PUNCHLINE TO YOUR OWN JOKES

Wolverina was a joke.  She was a joke you invented, Marvel.  And then you went and tried to make her serious.

“Dark Reign”?  Really?  This is the title you chose for your big crossover event because “dark” comics aren’t a cliche or anything.  Maybe that crap played better in the 90′s, but now, it just seems silly.  Grrr.  We’re dark!

Okay, I guess that’s it.  I could go on, but if you’ve made it this far, you probably are just hoping I’ll shut up.

So that’s that.  A list of requests that nobody important will read, and will never happen.  But I put it out there.  I did my part.  The rest is subject to the whims of the universe.

Fighting the good fight, Writing the good write,

Lee

Oh, I believe comic books (and superheroes) will be around for a while.  And, yes, I know that comic books aren’t strictly about superheroes, but let’s be honest, it’s what they’re most famous for at this point and it’s probably what they’ll stay famous for.  Road to Perdition and A History of Violence may have both been based on graphic novels, but neither seemed enthusiastic to advertise that.  No, to the general public, comic books are about superheroes, and there’s just no way around that.

Ironically, I’m not even sure how many comic book writers right now actually care about the superhero genre in the first place.  Most comic books I pick up are talky, dull affairs about people who just happen to have super powers.  It’s almost as if most the writers who grew up reading comics loved the medium but don’t really like superheroes.  But if you want to make a living writing comics, odds are good that you’ll be writing something with superheroes in it.

But I’m getting off topic.  (Funny how often that happens when I write about this stuff, isn’t it?)

The problem with comic books, the inescapable dilemma they’re facing, is how the hell do you write a comic book that appeals to fans and non-fans at the same time?  As of yet, nobody has really figured out how to do it.

I make no bones about it that fannish devotion to previous continuity in comic book universes is killing the comic book.  Most non-fans would have a hell of a time picking up any random comic book, even one featuring mainstream heroes, and knowing what the hell is going on.  And that’s just too bad because while the fans may love spending hours researching the backstory of 12,ooo characters to make sense of a story that takes two or three years (and several hundred issues and several hundred dollars) to unfold, your average reader probably isn’t willing to invest the same amount of effort.  And who can really blame them?

Yet the fans are the only thing keeping comic books afloat right now.  The die hards who read anything with Wolverine or Spider-Man in it are where most of the money is.  But these popular characters also come with a lot of baggage that most fans want to see exploited.  A straight-forward story where Batman tracks down some bankrobbers is just not going to appeal to them.  No, they want to see Night Wing and Robin and the Joker.  And they want Night Wing and Robin to have a clever exchange of dialogue that refers to something that happened “a few years ago” in comic book time, but is probably more like 15 years ago in reality time.  Leave those out, and they’re disatisfied.  And they’ll let you know.

The problem is that these devoted fans are strangling the life out of the very thing they love.

And yet, non-fans are not that interested in comic books because comic books are not a mainstream thing.  Comic book heroes may be mainstream, but comic books themselves are still a specialty product sold in special outlet stores that, while not always hostile to non-fans, are rarely very welcoming.  I still visit my comic book store and it’s not unusual to get a feeling like you’re an outsider.  Not because anyone treats you as such, but just because everyone seems to know so much more than you.  It’s like being a rocket scientist in a room full of anthropologists.  You may know you’re smart, but you also can’t help but feel like you’re missing out on a lot of the subtleties of the conversation.

DC’S BLACKEST NIGHT is the latest fan service event about an army of evil undead black lanterns who rise from their graves to do something evil.  I’m not going to lie to you.  It’s pretty terrible.  Fans will love it, of course.  Because the thing is filled with all these fan moments.  Also, I’m not so sure that many fans of comic books actually like superheroes either.  They’d much rather read a zombie book with superheroes pasted into it.  But that’s just me being grouchy, so ignore that.

But let’s take Blackest Night for what it is.  It’s a comic devoted to pleasing fans, and it probably does a good job of that.  While non-fans will find themselves confused by the long-winded conversation between Green Lantern and Flash about their complicated pasts and then utterly unimpressed by the appearance of Zombie Martian Manhunter, fans will eat this up.  When Zombie Elongated Man and Zombie Sue Dibney confront Hawkman and Hawkgirl, most fans’ eyes will glimmer with sinister glee and most non-fans will wonder who the hell any of these characters are.

Blackest Night #1 is all set up.  If you’re already invested in these characters and this universe, it’s not bad.  But what if you’re not?  This is the problem.  This is the gnawing catch-22 that is slowly eating comic books alive.

How the hell do you make a comic book that is full of in-references and beloved fan characters (both famous and obscure) that doesn’t alienate non-fans?  Or, vice versa, how do you write a comic book full of action, adventure, and accessibility that will keep hardcore fans interested?

Though I’ve always considered myself a comic book fan, I have discovered that, in truth, I’m not.  Because even though I get many of the references in Blackest Night, even though I understand much of the backstory and am familiar with the characters, I couldn’t give a damn.  I just don’t care.  I suppose I’m trapped in some strange twilight realm between fan and non-fan.  I know enough to follow what’s going on, but I’m not invested enough to give a crap.  I know that having Zombie Martian Manhunter coming after Green Lantern and Flash is supposed to be a crowning moment of cool.  But instead, it just comes off as fan service, as pandering.  Like World War Hulk (“Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if the Hulk beat up everybody!”) or Civil War (“Hey, wouldn’t it be neat if half the superheroes started fighting with the other half!”) I find the entire thing laughably ill-conceived.  But, hey, I’m not a fan.  I’m just some guy who likes comics.  And it turns out there’s a world of difference between the two.

Another interesting experiment from DC is WEDNESDAY COMICS.  This throwback to Sunday comic weeklies is a nifty idea.  And I’ll admit that so far it’s been endearing and fun.  But who is going to buy this?  Who is going to spend $4 to buy a weekly comic featuring continuing stories printed in a page-a-week format?  The art is great.  The nostalgia is nice.  The stories are developing quite nicely.  But is a non-fan going to pick this up?

And even if they did, what would they find?  Comics that are decidedly retro.  Characters that are in stories nothing like you’d actually read if you picked up a comic.  The Green Lantern strip doesn’t have a single zombie, swear word, or long, drawn out exchange of history referencing dialogue.  The Batman strip is a noirish crime thriller with nary a supporting cast member shown (outside of Commissioner Gordon so far).  The Kamandi strip is just awesome, a great tribute to Prince Valiant, but who is going to become a Kamandi fan from reading it?  And, even if they did, where the hell are they going to find a Kamandi comic book on the shelves?

Nowhere.  That’s where.

Wednesday Comics is intentionally old school.  There’s no blood, no gore.  No attempts at edginess.  Even the Batman strip, the most brooding and dark of the offerings, is surprisingly low-key and subtle.  Maybe somebody will get tortured to death by a power drill at some point, but for now, all its violence is implied, not painted in graphic reds and blacks across the panels.

And I still can’t really figure out who it’s for.  I really like it, but, as stated previously, I am not a fan.  Comic book writers long ago gave up on casual readers.

MARVEL DIVAS is a new series that is an attempt to reach out to a female audience.  Despite having “Divas” in the title (The Mighty Robot King has placed that term in his To Be Reviled Index), it’s not a bad book.  But, again, it’s filled with in-references and fan service.  The cover features our four heroines decked out in sexy superhero attire, but the interior hardly shows them in costume at all.  So if Marvel Divas isn’t really a superhero book (and as far as I can tell it isn’t, anymore than Blackest Night is a superhero book) then why not just admit this and put the ladies in non-superhero attire on the cover?  It’s not as if any of these characters are recognizable icons.  I know Hellcat.  Heck, I even like Hellcat.  But what casual reader is going to walk by a comic book shop, spot Hellcat in the window, and say, “Hey, I want that comic because clearly, it’s a comic about four women (with incidental superpowers) who sit around and talk about dating, fashion, and cancer!”

Quote Will Ferrell:  “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.”

So now I realize I’ve written a whole hell of a lot about a problem that is obvious to most comic book fans and completely irrelevant to everyone else.  And that just shows how big this problem is.  As much as I want to shake Marvel and DC and scream, “Stop with the gimmicks!  Just write a good, accessible story!” I also know that they’re doing the only thing they can think of.

Is it short-sighted?  I think so, but trying anything else is risky.  It’s hard to gamble when the long term gains may never come.

But, bringing this around to me, I have to say this is why I find myself reluctant to start a series.  Because this is the inevitable result.  Inevitably, you become a devoted servant of fan service and not storytelling.  Not to suggest that many series haven’t managed to do both at the same time, but it’s not easy.  And comic books lost that battle a long time ago.

Will they recover?  Hard to say.  I’d say no, but that’s just the cynic in me.  Plus, it’s pretty damned late, and I should’ve been in bed a while ago.  Why the hell do I start these blog entries just before bed time?

So I leave you with a long rant that observes a problem that many others before me have already observed, and I offer no solution.  Sorry to have wasted your time, gang.  Try not to hold it against me.

All I really know about comic books is that more stories should feature Blue Beetle and Squirrel Girl.  And if DC and Marvel ever feel like doing another inter-company crossover, I’d pay good money to write a Blue Beetle / Squirrel Girl one-shot.  That’s right!  I’d pay you, guys! 

Just putting that out there.

Fighting the good fight, Writing the good write,

Lee

While most of Marvel’s mainstream offerings are dull and / or wretched, not everything produced by this comic book giant is terrible.  Some of it is both fun and impressive in both its storytelling technique and subtlety.  That’s right.  I’m saying it right here, for the record, that Marvel’s kid’s comics are far more interesting and nuanced than anything going on in their so-called more mature comics.

But today’s recommendation is mostly fun.  It’s a digest compilation of four issues od the Marvel Adventures anthology comic.  Each issue features a different hero and tells a complete story.  So in Marvel Adventures: Thor, we’re treated to four stories of five different Marvel Heroes.

First up, Doctor Strange and Spider-Man team-up to stop an omnipotent cosmic entity from devouring the very fabric of the universe.  What’s amazing here is the amount of quality writing crammed into this single story.  Characterization, adventure, humor, and otherworldly weirdness are handled with such a deft touch that this sets a high standard for the rest of these stories to come.  In particular, the portrayal of Doctor Strange and Spider-Man (and their interplay) is just a treat.

Next up, Ant-Man!  Yes, Ant-Man!  Who doesn’t like Ant-Man?  Well, maybe a lot of people don’t.  And who can blame them?  He’s kind of a dumb superhero.  He can talk to ants.  He can shrink.  Not exactly prime superhero material.  But here, once again, we find what exceptional writing can do.  The humor is spot on, and it really shines through, making Ant-Man a worthy character after all.

Then, Thor!  I have to say that of all these stories, Thor’s is probably the weakest.  It never quite clicked in the same way as all the others, but considering how awesome the other three are, that’s not much of a slight.

Finally, we have a Captain America story, and once again, the origin of a character is told in stellar fashion.  While it’s hard to retell an origin without seeming like something we’ve seen a million times before, this one manags to give an abridged backstory of cap, bring him into the present day, introduce his sidekick Rick Jones, and have the nefarious Hydra in a flying saucer.  And there’s even a short backup story here taking place before Cap wound up frozen.  Good stuff.

At only $10, this little digest is packed with comic book reading goodness.  Highly recommended for anyone looking for some worthy comic book action.