Christopher Lee Vs. Bela Lugosi (and other strangeness)

I like to play this game where actors get to carry over their powers and abilities from multiple roles, to imagine a fantasy land where avatars of entertainers become embodiments of the cultural collective that spawned them.

In this realm, Hugh Jackman is an accomplished stage magician who excells at hunting vampires and has a healing factor and adamantium claws.

Christian Bale is a master of the gun kata with all the skills and capabilities of Batman.  Although, since Batman is his more popular role, he never actually uses the gun kata.  Also, he can fight Terminators and he’s just a pinch psychotic (or maybe he just imagined that stuff).  He’s also a skilled stage magician.

Edward Norton killed a pedophile priest, went to prison where he became a reformed racist until accidental exposure to a gamma bomb gave him the power to Hulk out!  Also, a skilled stage magician.

Angelina Jolie is a double-agent / supernatural assassin / mother of dragons.  (But not a stage magician)

Samuel L. Jackson is head of a spy agency that employs superheroes.  He’s also pretty handy with a lightsaber.  And every plane he gets on . . . snakes!  And boy has he had it with them.

David Hasselhoff is also head of a spy agency.  The very same agency, in fact, as Samuel Jackson.  Obviously, one is a decoy, but we may never know which.  In his spare time, Hasselhoff drives from beach to beach in his indestructible talking car and offers his lifeguard services.  Also, he can fight vampires if he has to.  (How I miss thee, Baywatch Nights.)

Adam West is Batman.  And that’s about it, but isn’t that more than enough?  His batoosie puts Christian Bale to shame.

Elijah Wood is a fuzzy little guy who fights orcs when he isn’t busy cannibalizing prostitutes or saving the world from high school aliens.

Arnold Schwartzennegar is a robot sent from the future who worships Crom.  He’ll also kick the Devil’s ass.  He can also get pregnant, which probably doesn’t come in handy that often, but I suppose it can’t hurt.

Anna Paquin has the ability to absorb people’s powers, telepathy, and she’s dating a vampire.

And on and on it goes.

The natural question is to ask who would win in a fight?  It’s not an easy answer.  I suppose you could cheat and just say Billy Crudup because he played Dr. Manhattan and you can’t get much more omnipotent than that.  Except for maybe George Burns and Morgan Freeman and all the other actors who have played God.  Although God isn’t always the same in every story, and you have to figure some movie versions of the supreme being are more powerful than others.

Could the God from Time Bandits beat the God from Dogma?  In a three way cage match between David Warner, Alanis Morrissette, and Liam Neeson who would reign?  Okay, so Neeson has only played Zeus so far, but he was the big guy of his mythological film.  And he was also Darkman and Hannibal, so that’s gotta be worth a few extra points.

If you threw all the James Bonds into a pit and had them fight it out, who would you bet on?  I’m a Timothy Dalton fan, myself, but you can’t ignore Connery, who would benefit from his time as Robin Hood.  Also, by the rules of the game, he’d be immortal and that could be an unfair advantage.  Although Moore would probably have some kind of convenient laser watch or buzzsaw bowtie at his disposal.

What I’d like to see most would be every actor who has ever played Dracula in the arena.  Lugosi would be at a disadvantage, but he’d probably have an edge over George Hamilton.  But at least Hamilton would have access to Zorro’s flair.  Then again, so would Antonio Banderas.  Although he was just a vampire, not THE vampire.  So he probably wouldn’t be allowed into the rumble.  I’d have to give it to Christopher Lee though because, considering the number of times he played Drac, that has to add up to something.

Fighting the good fight, Writing the good write,


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  1. Jesse
    Posted October 8, 2010 at 7:49 am | Permalink

    You are the only human being I know to be a Dalton fan. Everyone is Connery and Craig is pretty bad ass too but never heard a Dalton. Next thing you know someone is going to say they are a Lazenby fan

    Also Christopher Lee was also a jedi so he could lightsaber the other Draculas.

  2. Posted October 8, 2010 at 1:20 pm | Permalink

    Also I think it might be fun to do the inverse of that. Try to find the least effective actor. Originally my brain went to someone nerdy like Rick Moranis. But then I realized he’s killed a giant plant, weilded a proton pack, built a shrink ray, and wields the power of the Schwartz. All awesome things.

    I would be more inclined to say someone like Luke Wilson. He’d just mumble around and try to keep the relationship with his girlfriend on steady ground. Or is that the best super power of all? (pandering to any cute ladies who read this blog).

    It’s probably Jon Heder though.

  3. Rippley
    Posted October 9, 2010 at 12:51 am | Permalink

    I play a similar game. It’s called, Who has more —- cred? So, to start, you name all the actors and actresses who’ve played, for example, spies. I chose spies, because spy characters form a wide and expansive list. After you’ve made your list of spies, you assign each actor/spy abilities based on their movie roles as spies, and each ability gets a certain set of points. Angelina Jolie, for instance, gets 2 spy points for the ability to hide her identity, because she does this in two movies: Mr& Mrs Smith and Salt. Yet, none of the Bonds get these points, because Bond plays the spy game straight forward–Bond James Bond.
    Anyway, each spy’s spy trait get a point. After you’ve formed the point system, each actor with closely matching scores fight And then we play chess. Which spy has the best tactical maneuver to outwit the other using any skill that he/she has picked up from another movie, for each fight. Their can be only one! Could Val Kilmer, from the comedy Top Secret, rise to the top because of the skills he gained in the Saint, or will it be the straight and smooth Sean Connery conquer the spy world with skills gained from Entrapment?

    p.s. Spies, by nature aren’t immortal, therefore Connery cannot acquire immortality via Highlander, and the like. All acquired abilities have to be spy abilities, for that game. But not so if the game is Who has more Vampire cred.

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