So I asked my friends and neighbors in the Twitterverse to give me a topic to blog about because I’m pretty lazy and at this point, I sometimes feel like I’m repeating myself. At least if I do it with a suggested topic, I can pretend like it’s semi-worthwhile and not an exercise in self-indulgence.
I had a couple of good suggestions. My favorite was “Grandma Takes Rainbow Kitty to the Dentist”, but that is far too complex a subject for me to just write a spur of the moment blog about.
Someone suggested Heroscape, but I’m just not sure what else there is to say about Heroscape except that it is as awesome as Teddy Roosevelt and Grimlock combined into one super duper, evil crushing force. So topic covered.
Another was It’s Shredding Time. I’ll admit I’m not even sure what this might be about. Shredded wheat? Ninja turtle villains? Surfing? Paperwork disposal? No, far too inclusive a topic. So let’s move on.
Then finally someone suggested The 7 LAST Superheroes I Would Like to See at the Movies. And since I ruled out all the others, I guess this is the winner.
However, this isn’t an easy subject. To begin with, I’m not a big fan of superhero movies in general. There are some great ones, no doubt. But superheroes really are designed to exist in a comic book medium. Outside of a comic book, there’s no reason to dress up in a distinctive costume and fight crime. It usually looks silly. The exceptions I feel are the characters whose costume is their power. Iron Man was a pretty cool film, and Tony Stark’s armor is a functional weapon that he just happens to wear. Bruce Banner literally explodes into a giant green raging monster, which is absurd but at least it makes sense why he looks like that. Even Hellboy is a monster in or out of clothes.
But Spider-Man? Spider-Man just looks dumb in real life. There’s no reason for Peter Parker to adopt his distinctive costume. A ski mask and a plain unitard would work just as well. Batman deliberately crafted his costume to strike terror into villains, but Spidey? Spidey is a big red and blue target. But maybe that’s because Peter Parker loves to sew and is just happy for the outlet.
But we’re getting off track, aren’t we? Funny how that happens. So, without further ado, let’s lay down the 7 superheroes (in random order) I do NOT want to see on the silver screen.
I know that a while ago, I posted how I wanted to see Deadpool get his own animated movie. So why am I contradicting myself now? Simple, really. I want Deadpool to have his own movie, but if it’s not animated, my enthusiasm vanishes like a butterfly on the winds of hope. (Oh, poetic.)
Everything I said about superheroes looking bad outside of comic books applies to Deadpool, triple-strength! The guy is a walking scab. No matter how you try to work it, there’s no way around that. Other than to ignore that about him, which they most probably will. But without the walking scab problem, he’s just another regenerating hero who kills people. A big part of why it sucks to be Deadpool is because of his deformity. He’s like the Thing, except the Thing gets to be a cool rock monster and Deadpool gets to be . . . a scab. (The next time Peter Parker whines about getting to lift 10 tons and stick to walls, someone should remind him that he gets to take his mask off at the end of the day.)
Plus, Deadpool is funny. Spider-Man funny. And we’ve already seen how that works out in cinema. Spidey said maybe four funny bits of dialogue in the entire Spider-Man movie franchise. And that’s because it’s a lot easier to cram clever dialogue into static panels that depict dynamic action scenes than in actual live action scenes. Because in comic books, it’s perfectly acceptable for characters to deliver thoughtful exchanges while throwing punches. Film. . . not so much. Animation is more fluid, more flexible. It can get away with this a little more. Still, Deadpool would suffer somewhat from any real-time method of portraying him.
Finally, since Deadpool is supposed to be funny, I would worry about someone writing him as funny. Humor is subjective, and there’s a lot of chances to screw it up. And the only thing worse than not funny Deadpool would be failing funny Deadpool.
So for all these reasons, Deadpool is a character I would never want to see in a (live-action) movie.
What’s that? Superman has already had a movie. Several of them, in fact? Yep. And they’ve mostly sucked.
Superman is the definition of a larger-than-life hero. He is nothing less than a titan among terrans. If the guys who made Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, or any other disaster movie could really go nuts with Superman, it could be amazing. They could throw a real challenge his way. Because unless Superman is fighting a giant robot from space or trying to keep the earth from spinning into the sun, you’re just wasting his (and our) time.
Because nobody respects Superman for his strengths and wants to re-invent him out of some misguided desire to “humanize” him, I would very much like it if Superman stays in comics and cartoons and off the silver screen.
Cable is dumb. I’d actually like it if he wasn’t in comic books at all, but for cryin’ out loud, let it end there!
Wow. Seven sure is a large number. Starting to lose steam here, but I carry on. Because I care.
It’s not that Gambit is a bad character. He’s just so easy to screw up. He was an irritating Cajun “Tarzan” in the X-Men cartoon. And the Wolverine movie didn’t have a clue how to handle him. (After watching that movie, I dare you to find a non-comic book fan who could explain what Gambit’s power is. Heck, after watching it, I’m not sure I understand it anymore either. Yes, it’s retrograde confusion, which, if I recall correctly, is a 10th level magic-user spell. Or it should be.)
Gambit is a daring rogue, a thief, a “bad boy”. Although really, he’s not. Even in the world of comic books, he’s never cemented his “dangerous” reputation. So until they get the character right in comics, they don’t need to try foisting him on the big screen.
PRETTY MUCH EVERY IMAGE HERO
Image characters should stay in the 90’s, where they belong. Which why I’m proposing the invention of a time barrier that will prevent all the shoulderpad, giant-gun-carrying, chain accessorizing bad ideas of the past from infecting the future.
I like Wonder Woman as a character (or at least I want to), but her costume is a great example of something that was never meant to be portrayed in real life. Linda Carter may have been hot, but she certainly never struck fear into cowardly and superstitious evil-doers. Outside of comic books and fetish porn, it’s a liability.
Changing the costume is possible, but that’s just going to give the movie producers an excuse to start monkeying around with the entire concept. And before you know it, she’ll be a genetically modified cyborg from the future with the ability to sprout claws from her knuckles who was raised by female ninjas to defend the earth from space dinosaurs.
Okay, that does sound awesome, actually. But that’s not what’s going to happen, so let’s just move on.
Young kids with superpowers who fight evil aliens. While the comic books are actually pretty good at exploring what it might be like to be superheroes and kids, charming and subtle, thoughtful and daring. Naturally, Power Pack has always had a hard time finding an audience in the comic book world because they’re not teens and they’re not angsty and kids dealing with responsibility and absurdity in a strange and intelligent manner is always going to be a tough sell, no matter where you try it.
Who thought that would play anywhere?
Nevertheless, Power Pack keeps plugging away. Their ongoing series may no longer be, but they still show up every so often. And usually they’re pretty cool.
Now that Disney owns Marvel, Power Pack WILL get their own movie. There’s no way around that. They’ll probably be aged up and saddled with a “be yourself!” message (and a toy line and an endless marketing assault). Heck, they might just get a talking monkey and be in a band. The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus are Power Pack!
And on that note, I flee into the night, shrieking in silent madness.
Fighting the good fight, Writing the good write,